Bizarro World

Welcome to NFL Bizarro World where Miles Austin is the new Cowboy record holder for single game receiving and you can win an NFL game when your quarterback goes 2 for 17 for 23 yards and a pick. That pretty much sums up your NFL Sunday sports fans. If Steven Jackson wasn't so angry all the time, the Rams might just be fun bad. I do think that the Bucs have entered fun bad though as every week they do one particular thing well and everything else terrible. Hey Bucs congrats for shutting down Phily's running game, too bad you lost 33-14 after DMac threw for 350+ and 3 touchdowns.

Does it get any more bizarre than the Denver Broncos? I thought this team would be 3-13 with the Marshall escapades and Josh McDaniels being a douche rocket. Turns out Orton can play a little and apparently Larry Coyer knows a little bit about defense. While we're on the topic, I wouldn't be a fake Chicago journalist without tackling the Orton-Cutler debate. There really is no debate though. Both teams got what they wanted. Denver has a good young line that can protect a pocket passer. McDaniels needed a guy to stick to the gameplan, believe in his calls, and distribute the ball. Chicago needed a QB savior to run around, make plans, and make the offense look like an NFL squad. Jay Cutler on the Bears is like having the senior high school starting QB pick a bunch of kids off the frosh squad to play the JV team. Usually he can make enough plays on his own to make the guys look good, but if they aren't in the right spots they'll make him look real bad. The Broncos wouldn't be 5-0 with Cutler, and the Bears wouldn't be 3-1 with Orton. They are different players that do different things. Look at what Orton has done and respect the fact that he is an NFL QB, he has an NFL arm and IQ, and he needs time to process and distribute the ball to playmakers. Guess what Chicago radio analysts, Jay Cutler didn't make those receivers out there. They are just good. He certainly has made the rag tag group in Lake Forest look like NFL guys though.

Now on to less biting topics, do I hear a Who Dey off in the background? I didn't watch the Sunday night game for fear that Collinsworth was going to show up in his old jersey and start telling Ken Anderson stories. How about all the talent they have on offense? Carson Palmer has a rocket, and Caldwell and Henry will be playmakers before this year is out. If you want to figure out how to rebuild a defense, watch Rivers and Maualuga then draft a few USC linebackers. Don't fret Bear fans, this isn't the same Ced Ben that you cut last year. He finally decided to be an NFL player. He's hitting the holes hard because he trusts his linemen and he's not looking over his shoulder. Oh yeah, he isn't getting paid bank either.

I love one of the announcers this weekend that said Jared Allen is making a claim for NFL defensive player of the year. Really? Does that mean Peyton Manning is making a claim for NFL offensive player of the year too? How about MVP asshole? Go ask an opposing tackle or quarterback who would get their MVP vote. That said, Manning is flat out outstanding. Hey Wally Pipp, I mean Anthony Gonzalez, the team has moved on my friend. Go tell some stories about Big Ten championships with Art Schlister. Colts/Buckeye reference anyone?

On a parting note for this week's sports column, I would like someone to tell me how firing Dick Jauron or Jim Zorn would make either of those teams better tomorrow. Will that magically drop an NFL QB into one of their laps? It certainly won't tank the season hard enough to beat the Bucs, Rams, and Chiefs out for the first three picks in the draft. If you fire Jim Zorn will Clinton Portis' legs grow back? If you fire Dick Jauron will Trent Edwards learn to read a defense or Lee Evans learn how to run routes? Something tells me it will just further alienate your fan base and cause a few local blackouts.

Dear Mr. Fantasy

Well we saw signs of life from a few high picks like Roddy White, Eddie Royal, Michael Turner, and Donovan McNabb this weekend. If the Eagles give any job outside of janitor to Kevin Curtis when he becomes healthy, Andy Reid should be forced to observe Ramadan. Yes, that is a fasting joke. I wouldn't run out to sign Mike Crabtree even though he did just that finally. Jeremy Maclin certainly looks like a boom or bust play that could make a lot of teams better at this point. I still have no reason to believe that the Cardinals will ever figure out how to run the football. Just start giving Steve Slaton the ball on the goalline already. Congrats to 49ers defense owners after last weekend, how'd that work against Hotlanta? I think you might get another play or two out of Jamal Lewis during the bye week stretch. Speaking of teams that can't run, go get yourself a Seahawks receiver pronto. MohMass gave you exactly what you deserved if you thought a Brown receiver was going to help your team. Good luck and God bless if Romo is your QB the rest of the way. It took him 3.5 quarters to be relevant on Sunday against the Chiefs/Texans...AFL style. Bad news for some team owners, the blocking for Brady isn't going to get any better. Sell now while you still can. Another parting shot...after five weeks you should know if your team has enough talent to compete. If you're not sure yet, then you don't have enough talent to compete.