Deep Thoughts by Pete Helland

I've decided that the reason men put off getting haircuts until they can't stand it any longer is solely due to the fact that creating 8 minutes of small talk with a formerly pregnant teenager who currently has multiple baby daddies is equal to a root canal.

If everybody was working for the weekend, the weekend would have a pretty large payroll.

I am always confused as to why young celebrities hate that paparazzi so much. They need to appreciate where they came from. I bet River Phoenix wishes that TMZ followed his ass around. Maybe that creepy photog will save your life Mischa.

Why do we need so many flavors of gum?

I'm still waiting to meet the guy or girl who just says point blank that their property and stocks aren't worth crap now during the recession. It would be quite a refreshing counterpoint to the "you know my neighborhood is really stable and my stocks have held their value." I guess I didn't know that they bought their stocks in 1986. I look for slightly better return over a 23 year period than holding its value.

Keyboards on cell phones is yet another way of us giving up on ourselves. Why not push these kids to become pro-typists on the old 9 keys? It's not like there is a job waiting for them.

How many years of digital photo backlog is appropriate before actually printing a new picture?

I wish that posters were appropriate adult home decoration. I think it is the blue sticky tack that makes this taboo.

I'm glad I never put investment money into astroturf.

Who else thinks that owners of Mazda Miatas should be forced to dress in drag when behind the wheel?

Cheers to me for making it almost 28 years on this earth without having to poop while in the middle of the lake on a fishing trip. One of life's little discussed fears. I've always wondered what happens next, but I haven't wondered enough to actually test the theory.

Does anybody else feel like the tooth fairy comes back when you're an adult and takes back her money? I have no other way of explaining how I burn through cash so quickly.

I bet if you gave one of those sticky hands from the vending machines outside of Pizza Hut to an 8 year old in 2009 they would probably just punch you in the nuts. Or they'd ask you how you turn it on. Ahh the bright American future.

Do you think anyone named their kid Carl Bob Danny Frank in honor of George Carlin?

I feel like the odds are slim that someone from my generation will do something worthy of creating a new holiday. That should be a goal. It's been awhile.

Meat sandwiches should be an acceptable snack. Granola bars are so 1980s.

If the people at Jell-O bring back the pudding pops and gelatin pops that Bill Cosby used to sell, I will give them the deed to my house.

Whoever came up with the concept of furniture that you have to take home and build is not welcome at my dinner table.

Don't worry. You're not alone. None of us recycle when we're home by ourselves. It is an unwritten rule.

I feel like people that say something is a great idea, but they don't want to participate in that activity; must have really low standards for the word great.

Sometimes I like to take a moment to appreciate how versatile lunch is. I can have breakfast. I can eat a big meal or maybe just a salad. Thank you lunch for not judging me.

With that, have a fun and safe Labor Day weekend. If you need me to give you weekend suggestions over the holiday, then my advice would be to call some friends and family soon to make sure they know you're still alive.